2young2retireUK

Advice on love and marriage

I received the following in Philip Humbert's newsletter this morning:

Paul Vogt sent me these quotes from little kids on the secrets of love an marriage. Isn't here a Bible verse about wisdom coming from the mouths of babes? Enjoy!

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids. -- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough. -- Lynnette, age 8

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. --Curt, age 7

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed out. -- Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --Kelvin, age 8

"And the #1 Favorite is........"

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck. --Ricky, age 10

Golf joke

An 80-year old man goes to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical condition?"

I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

Well," says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive. How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," says the old golfer. "In fact he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive. He's a golfer too."

"Well," the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

"Who said my grandpa's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather is still living! Incredible, how old is he?"

"He's 118 years old," says the old golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No. Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. "Getting married!! Why would a 118 year-old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

Visit http://www.mabels.org.uk/retirement-jokes.htm for more jokes about retirement...

Revised hits of the 60's

Now that we boomers are all getting older, I thought I'd share the following list of revised 60's hits which I received in Philip Humbert's newsletter this week.  Philip says:

It was fun being a baby boomer... until now. Some of the artists of the 60's are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers.

They include:

Herman's Hermits--- Mrs.. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker.

Ringo Starr--- I Get By With a Little Help From Depends.

The Bee Gees--- How Can You Mend a Broken Hip.

Bobby Darin--- Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' a Flash.

Roberta Flack--- The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face.

Johnny Nash--- I Can't See Clearly Now.

Paul Simon--- Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver

The Commodores--- Once, Twice, Three Times to the Bathroom.

Procol Harem--- A Whiter Shade of Hair.

Leo Sayer--- You Make Me Feel Like Napping.

The Temptations--- Papa's Got a Kidney Stone.

Abba--- Denture Queen.

Tony Orlando--- Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall.

Helen Reddy--- I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore.

And my personal favorite:

Leslie Gore--- It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To.

Job Application

From the Village Vita newsletter 

(Apparently this is an actual job application that a 75-year-old man submitted to B&Q (a UK store selling home improvement products) in Tunbridge Wells. They hired him because he was so funny...)

NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy B*****d)

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?

DESIRED SALARY: £150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It was a crap job.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS? Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs?  Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR? I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION? I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE? On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big boobs and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE? 7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE? Oh yes, absolutely.

Your annual senior citizen test

Why not check out how mentally alert you are these days, by trying the following senior citizen test, courtesy of Mabel's Retirement Jokes and Quotes?  And, in case you were wondering, I'm one of the the 95% (this will make more sense to you when you've worked your way through the test!).

It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.

Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.

Spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer.

Are you a gofer or a glam?

Are you a GOFER (Genial Old Fart Enjoying Retirement) or a GLAM (Greying, Leisured, Affluent, Married)?

Do you have KIPPERS ((Kids In Parents' Pockets Eroding Retirement Savings) or CRAFT moments, where you go into a room to do something and come back out without doing it, saying that you 'Can't Remember A F****** Thing!)?  Or do you SKI (Spend Kids Inheritance)?

If you come across any more acronyms like this that you feel our readers would enjoy, you will let us know won't you?

Have you got AAADD?

Someone sent me the following yesterday - I know that there are days when I can identify with it.  How about you?

"I just wanted to let everyone know that I have recently been diagnosed with Age-Activated Attention Deficit Disorder (AAADD).

Symptoms: This is how it goes... I decide to do the laundry, start down the hall and notice the newspaper on the table. OK, I'm going to do the laundry...

BUT FIRST I'm going to read the newspaper. After that, I notice the mail on the table... OK, I'll just put the newspaper in the recycle stack....

BUT FIRST I'll look through the mail and see if there are any bills to be paid. Yes.

Now where is the checkbook? Oops... there's the empty glass from yesterday on the coffee table. I'm going to look for that  checkbook...

BUT FIRST I need to put the glass in the sink. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice my poor flowers need a drink of water. I put the glass in the sink and there's the remote for the TV on the kitchen counter. What's it doing here? I'll just put it away...

BUT FIRST I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! Stepped on the cat.

Cat needs to be fed. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST I need to feed the cat.

END OF DAY: Laundry is not done, newspapers are still on the floor, glass is still in the sink, bills are not paid, checkbook is still lost, and the cat ate the remote control. And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled! Because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious.... I'll get help...

BUT FIRST...I need to check my e-mail...."

Good quotes

Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you take a big bite out of something that you just have to spit out.

Author Unknown

No nursing home for me!

Someone sent me this over the weekend - I must admit that the idea does have a certain appeal...

Two years ago, my wife and I were on a cruise of the western Mediterranean aboard a Princess liner.  At dinner we noticed an elderly lady sitting alone by the rail of the grand stairway in the main dining room.  I also noticed that the ship's staff, officers, waiters, busboys, etc, all seemed very familiar with this lady.  I asked the waiter who the lady was, expecting to be told that she owned the cruise line, but he said that he only knew that she had been on board for the last four cruises, back to back.

Church Bulletin Humour

My thanks go to Philip Humbert  who included the following excerpts from church bulletins in his newsletter this week and brightened up my Sunday morning (he promises that they are real announcements):

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."  The sermon tonight "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.  Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale.  It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house.  Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir.  They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.   So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"  Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.  Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM.  All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.